Don't forget to check the label...

Lately I’ve been noticing labels. They amuse me somehow, often by what they say, but sometimes by what they don’t say.

On the wrapper of one of my fruit bar there was an expiry date printed that said “2006-09-15 8:30”.

EIGHT-THIRTY?! I just picture myself at midday on Sept. 15, 2006, very hungry and faced with the dilemma… Did they mean AM or PM??

I assume if you fail to store t hem in a cool dry place this expiry date could roll back as far as 7:00.

One of the popular pizza chains in our area is Greco.

Greco pizza boxes announce “Club Greco – 10th pizza Free! No membership. No hassle. Ask for details!”

I don’t mean to nit pick, but isn’t it a hassle to call them up and ask for details? Shouldn’t it just happen automatically – on my tenth call they'd say “and that will be no charge.” Is there some rule that says I have to actually ask to be a member of the free pizza club? Is my information privacy protected, or will Greco sell my information to spammers? The last thing I need is more email advertising discount mozzarella.

But the best feature of the Greco box – or any pizza box I’ve ever seen for that matter – is a round medallion looking announcement that proclaims:

“We use Federally Inspected Beef!!”

Uhm… What the hell??

Are they suggesting that their competitors don’t – that the other guy's beef was bought for cash off the stern end of a Vandeluvian Ocean Freighter?

"Knock twice, wait 10 seconds, then knock once more. Ask for Elton. The password is bovine spongiform encephalopathy”

How do you counter this type of advertising? Does the competitor put an announcement on their boxes to say “Our cooks wash their hands! Daily!” or “Never closed by the Health Inspector”.

This can all back fire, of course – the place that’s so proud of their Federally Inspected Beef? You won’t see me ordering any of their Chicken or Seafood dishes, now do you?

I often see jackets or hats from various industries and construction companies bragging about the number of Injury Free Hours on their projects.

How did they decide when to make those jackets? I've always assumed that they memorialize the poor guy who kept them from making it one more injury free week. The company memo will talk with pride about how they made it to 500 hours, and were looking good to make it to 600 until Dave fell into the beer vat and drowned. "Here’s your jacket everyone."

If this becomes a trend it could cross over into other industries. It could lead to chaos. Imagine boarding a plane and seeing a poster proclaiming “Safety Equipment for every passenger!” or “6000 hours of accident free flying”.

Now imagine seeing it on a banner over the gate for the airline which you did not just board.

It could be particularly effective in an Election Campaign with slogans such as:
-The candidate with no prior indictments
-bribe free since 1978.
-Or in a regions where family roots matter: “born and raised right here”, leaving the opposing candidate no choice but to rebut with “left town for a few years to get an education, gainful employment”.

Eventually consumers will catch on and turn this to our own advantage. It will lead to a new way of doing business.

You could ask your insurance agent “how long since you’ve actually paid a claim?”

Used car sales would never be the same.
- How many unsatisfied customers do you have?
- When were you last charged for fraudulent sales tactics?
- But does the price include free fuel for a year?

I plan to use it in future job interviews where I suspect that I might have tough competition. I’ll just mention that I have never missed a day of work due to malaria, then let them draw their own conclusions from there.

Now, what time is it, I need to know if this fruit bar is safe to eat…