Is there a Reality Show for ME?

Is there a Reality Show on HGTV that can fix this for me?

As a handy man I am as talented as a duck on roller skates.

I have a list. There is no one single thing that I’m not good at.

And what I am good is only marginally useful. For example, I created a compost bin for yard waste. It’s near the back corner of the lot, in the trees. The entire “bin” itself is compostable, and it’s made from waste material. I took several pieces of discarded lumber I found in the shed. I cut them into 3 foot lengths, and used a hatchet to chop a point on one end. With my mini-sledge hammer I drove them into the ground in pairs, at the four corners of the pile. Then I took less sturdy boards and limbs from the brush pile to weave in between the stakes, making a solid wall of brush and wood. It is a thing of beauty. It is full of grass clippings and leaves that will turn into beautiful black soil.

And it is of no help to me whatsoever when it comes time to fix the lumpy, broken up sidewalk. The sidewalk is bordered by the front lawn, which has several patches of colourful yellow mushrooms on it. I don’t know why.

I also don’t understand why the side lawn has tall brown mushrooms which resemble little trees, and why they only grown in one spot. Part of me doesn’t want to know. I’ve heard some theories that correlate localized mushroom patches with the final resting place of long lost family pets. Or maybe it was a correlation with ancient Viking burial grounds. I forget which, but it was definitely one of those.

Early last spring on one of the first days where the afternoon temperature was above freezing I called my Dad in a panic. Water was dripping from the underside of the vinyl siding, and running down the outer wall of the house. Dad calmed me down by explaining that this is what is supposed to happen, that it results from condensation and that it is the reason why there are small holes at intervals on the underside of each piece of siding. I’m not sure if he joked about that one with the guys at work, or if his shame kept him silent.

When this house was built the bathroom fan wasn’t vented to the outside. The moist air just goes into the attic. I know I should fix that. And I know it’s supposed to be easy. Something tells me that isn’t how it will work out for me. Not that I’ve been in the attic… We’ve been here for over a year, but between child care and lawn care, I have not had time to climb up into the attic for a little inspection. It’s harder than it sounds. First of all, we live in a split level, so we have two attics. And the access panel to each one is in a closet. Once I empty the closet and take out the upper shelf I still have to squeeze through an access hole that is… well… small enough to install inside a closet.

We have a few windows that need replacing next year. I don’t even pretend I could tackle that without calling an expert.

I don’t mean to sound as though my house is in bad shape. In fact, it is a fine house, in terrific shape. But I am worried about how it will fare in the long run under my maintenance schedule. I’m learning that some projects are bigger than they seem, and that tackling them unprepared can only lead to an unfinished project.

The surface area of my deck is currently only 75% pressure-washed, and 0% stained. And…I think I owe my father-in-law a new pressure washer.

Some things aren’t broken at all – we’re just improving upon them. We changed the colour of the shutters and front door. That involved an extension ladder, and 20 feet of space between me and the ground. My entire family tree breathed a collective sigh of relief when I made it back to the ground.

Once I was safely back down there I had a chance to take another look at the lawn. The mushrooms are still bothering me, but I only have time for so many projects. So for now, when it comes to the lawn mushrooms, I’ll just let sleeping dogs lie.